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There are approximately 44 million Americans who are caring for an elderly loved one.   Between one and two million people over the age of 65 have been abused by someone who cares for them.  During the eleven years that I have owned my senior living consulting business, I have one story involving elder abuse that really stands out in my mind.  Here it is:

A respected colleague called me and said that a couple in their 80’s were in a very tenuous position, and asked if I would assess their situation with regard to recommending some senior living communities.  When I called and spoke to one member of the couple, I was told that he and his wife were not interested in senior living communities, but would rather speak to someone who could help them integrate back into society via participation in activities at a senior center.  He also expressed interest in having a personal trainer come into the home and exercise with them.    I told him I would get back to him in several days.

When I contacted him a few days days later with potential resources, his conversation with me went in several drastically different directions.  I felt that an onsite visit was in order, so I made an appointment with him for  visit.

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This month, I am celebrating the 11-year anniversary of the opening of Andrea Donovan Senior Living Advisors. I am hoping that I have at least another 11 years of rewarding work ahead of me. I have to chuckle because I have had so many unusual requests over the past decade, not to mention finding that special apartment for the senior who has the 90 pound Labrador that must continue to attend its current doggie day care, requests for caregivers who speak a special dialect of Indian or Farsi, accommodations for religious preferences, transportation to senior symphony practice for a senior cellist, and finding a nursing home that would allow my senior loved one with dementia to store and play her piano in her room. I figure that I have evaluated more than 450 senior communities in the Chicago metro area over the past decade and completed over 6,000 hours of research. I know that sounds like an insanely large number of hours, but how else would I be able to get the answers for my clients? Admittedly, in some cases there may only be one right answer, as I share in this month’s REAL LIFE STORY.

Real-Life Story

My clients were the child (and her husband) of a 94 year old gentleman. He had been a white collar professional, an avid musician (stringed instruments) and recently lost his spouse. He underwent some very serious cancer surgery several years ago and had recovered very well. He and his late wife had been living in a luxury condo owned by the child. Since it was located in the middle of the downtown area, it allowed them easy access to their doctors, the symphony, and shows they deeply loved. After the death of his wife, he remained in the condo with several caregivers who came in at 2 different intervals during the day. He remained in the condo alone in the evening. However, the child told me he had recently been hospitalized with pneumonia, wasn’t drinking enough fluids or eating 3 meals a day, and had fallen. The child no longer wanted him to live in the condo alone. I was also told that the senior was “putting on a good act,” and that his need for more help was being well hidden. I was told that I would need to duplicate his environment in order for a move to occur. The environment could not have an “assisted living or nursing home feel.”

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This week, I was overjoyed when a former client called me to tell me about her mother’s progress. Her mother was a young 70 when they became my clients less than a year ago. When I first met the elder during an assessment, she was at a short-term rehabilitation community and was covered under Medicare. She had been living in an independent living community with a 24-hour caregiver. A stroke had left her unable to use her left side. Then, the caregiver dropped her while she was transferring her in the bathroom and broke my client’s leg. That is how she ended up in a nursing home receiving short-term rehabilitation.

My client’s 100-day allotment under Medicare rehab was coming to an end, and she soon would have to begin paying privately. Although the care was satisfactory at the current community, she wanted a private room. This nursing home didn’t offer any private rooms. She did have the personal funds to pay privately for quite a while, even though the rate for a private room was over $300 per day. I knew, however, that since she was a young 70, and the cost of nursing home can run $9,000 and above for a private room, she would need the safety net of Medicaid if her money ran out. Because the stroke and the broken leg had left her totally disabled, she had to be transferred in and out of bed, bathroom and shower with the use of a Hoyer lift. I sent the senior’s adult children to tour a half dozen selected communities with the needed equipment, but nothing seemed to pass muster in their eyes. Either the rate for a private room was way too high, they didn’t like the Admissions Director, or the aesthetics were not what they wanted. They were being very specific about their location preference. Finally, I identified a community that was half-way in between for both daughters and had several Hoyer lifts available for the residents’ use. I was also very selective about the physical therapy that would be available to my senior client, as the daughters stated that she may want to pay privately for additional therapy. The therapists at the community were actually employees of the nursing home, not a separate agency. As a result, I knew she would have a better chance at receiving therapy from the same therapists.

When I recently spoke to the daughter, she said, “I have been meaning to call you. My mother has been moved from the nursing home (needing full assistance with bathing, transferring, toileting, dressing, walking and eating) to the assisted living area (some hands-on assistance with the aforementioned activities) of the nursing home. She can transfer in and out of bed and bathroom without the assistance of the Hoyer lift. The cost of her care was also reduced! And it is all because the therapists at this community worked so closely with her to improve her condition. Thank you!”

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When I started serving in the senior living industry over 15 years ago, all communities included three meals in the rent. Three meals were just part of the senior’s care package, whether the level of care be independent living, assisted living, or skilled nursing home.

While that still holds true today for assisted living or nursing home care, the meals/food picture has changed in the independent living landscape. Most independent living communities are offering one main meal per day, with the choice of paying for 2 extra meals on an ala carte basis. Other independent living organizations are offering “flex dollar” arrangements, where the senior is given a fixed dollar stipend on a monthly basis. The flex dollars can be used to purchase meals, haircuts in the salon, or other amenities the community has to offer.

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About one-half of the clients who engage me for my services do so after they have already selected a community for a loved one. Then, when a problem arises, they call me to help fix the problem. Unfortunately, no one has a crystal ball and can anticipate some of the unusual circumstances that can arise. Most of the time, clients are so pre-occupied with fixing the senior living problem that exists now, they do not consider what can happen in the future. Clearly no one is to blame, as it is always what we do not anticipate that causes a problem.

Real-Life Story

My clients were the children of a senior aged 78. She had been placed at a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC) that offered Independent Living, Assisted living, Assisted living with a memory care unit, and Skilled Nursing care. She had a lovely apartment in the independent living area that required an entrance fee of more than $200,000 when she moved in.

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Many seniors have a tendency to keep private their financial realities. However, if your senior loved one purchased long-term care insurance to cover the costs of a stay in a community or to hire non-medical home care, you will want to ask if you can look at it. I say this based on the experience I had with my mother, and I share our story lest you should have the same experience.

My mother purchased a long-term care policy 25 years ago. I was amazed that the insurance carriers were able to underwrite her at age 70. Thankfully, she was well enough to pass the underwriting since she had no serious medical issues at the time. However, the agent who sold the policy to her (and who had bragged that she was the number one producer at her company) was not exactly prudent when designing the structure of the plan for a claim that could occur in the far future. The plan that was sold to my mother included a 90-day waiting period before any benefit would be paid. Such waiting periods are common. The plan maximum paid up to $100 per day. That, too, was all right for a plan that was purchased 25 years ago. However, the agent neglected to sell my mother her an inflation guard benefit which would increase her plan’s benefit by 3-4% per year. If an inflation guard benefit had been included, the benefit she would receive would be much more in line with the currents costs charged by her senior living community. The bottom line is, based on the plan purchased 25 years ago, my mother will receive a benefit that will cover $3,000 of her $6,000 monthly cost.

While I am thankful she had the policy, it would have been more valuable if the inflation coverage had been included at its inception. If you know or suspect your aging loved one has purchased a long-term care policy, ask if you can sneak a peek at it!

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I remember fifteen years ago when I started as an Admissions and Marketing Director in the senior living industry, my future boss took me on a complete tour of the community. Or so I thought.

The community included independent living, where most of the seniors were well off mentally and ambulated with, at worst, a cane. The next level of care was assisted living, which at the time was an extension of independent living. But, the residents at that level received “standby” assistance with bathing, dressing, toileting, transferring, eating, and walking. At worst, seniors there ambulated with the help of a walker. No wheel chairs were allowed. Last, there was nursing home level, or the dreaded fifth floor that was reserved for residents who could no longer function at the independent living or assisted living level. Most were in wheel chairs and needed total assistance with their activities of daily living. Or, some suffered memory impairment and were at risk for wandering. The fifth floor was equipped with a security code for the elevator and an alarm for those residents who might attempt to leave unattended.

When my boss conducted the tour, he showed me the independent living and the assisted living areas, both of which were places where the residents appeared to be happy. However, after I began working there, I was sent to complete a task on the fifth floor where the residents needed total assistance with everything. Being new to the industry, I was like many of my clients taking a tour of a nursing home for the first time. I was nervous and terrified! I rushed down to my boss’s office and told him that I was exceedingly upset that I was not told that the fifth floor existed. As time went on, I grew to love the residents on the fifth floor. There we were encouraged to take a break from the regular tasks of the day, attend scheduled activities, or just talk.

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Last week, I received a phone call from a prospective client who was in panic mode. The client’s parent, who has dementia, had moved in with him on a permanent basis. The parent had been spending several days a week with three adult children. A family disagreement, the details of which were not disclosed to me, had occurred. As a result, the senior was not allowed to return to the other two children’s homes. My client was now responsible for the parent’s care on a 7-days-a-week basis and was not able to cope with the situation. In addition, his spouse was having issues with her own health. I quickly went out to assess the senior’s physical and mental condition.

When I arrived, I found a very healthy 88 year old. The senior could not, however, tell me what day of the week it was, his date of birth, or who the President is, which are all typical questions that are asked on a mini-mental examination. The senior’s ambulation was very good. The senior was an excellent prospect for assisted living with memory care.

After I completed my assessment, which included analysis of the senior’s financial realities and the family’s location preferences, the client told me that he wanted my recommendations completed in 2 days. The next morning, I sent him spreadsheets that included information regarding three senior communities that fit his specifications, and I immediately set up appointments for tours. I advised my client to obtain the senior’s medical history and physical form from the senior’s physician. I also told him to collect the senior’s financial information.

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Here are five easy steps to help convince your loved one who needs to move:

1. Enlist the child, sibling, or friend who is closest to the senior to initiate the conversation. The senior needs to hear the message from the right person.

2. ​Plant the seeds in very short, non-threatening messages. For example, “Gee, I noticed that you are having a little trouble getting yourself dressed. Don’t you think you would benefit from a little help?” Change the message at the right moment at the next attempt. “I noticed you have been eating a lot of cold cereal instead of a meal. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone cook your meals for you?” Space out the messages and deliver them at the opportune times. It may take months for a senior to decide you are right.

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Only two things in my life have terrified me. The first was laying my husband of 33 years to rest after watching him suffer dreadfully from cancer of the appendix. I can at least take some comfort in the fact that I know he is at peace. The second thing was having to place my mother in a long-term care community.

You might be surprised and be asking yourself, “Why was she terrified? She does that sort of work as a beloved Calling and for a living!” My reply to such a reasonable question is this: As a highly trained and experienced professional, I have absolutely no problem dealing with my clients’ parents or loved ones. But when it comes to one’s own mother, the process takes on an added dimension that is – as you can imagine – very personal and emotional.

My mother is 95 years old and has lived on her own up until this point. Our family was fortunate enough that one of my siblings took on the role of companion and “go to” person for her. But my mother suffers from a rare blood disorder, severe arthritis, and heart issues, to name but a few. She has been prescribed 17 different medications, none of which she was taking correctly. She was not eating properly and had fallen on several occasions. She would only accept very minimal help with bathing and dressing.

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